I have this friend …

Continually, when meeting someone for the first time in a social setting, commonly I’m asked, “what do you do for a living?” I answer, “I’m a Psychotherapist”.

If they know what this means or if I’ve had to explain what it means and they haven’t run in fear, invariably I get the following statement, “Really … you know I have this friend …” and then what follows is a story of distress or some other struggle. After a small pause, I’m asked, “so, what do you think?”

To this, I am reminded of Rilke, from his eighth letter “I can say almost nothing that is helpful, hardly anything useful” and offer the same as Rilke did with “wow, that sounds tough … how did your friend cope?” Perplexed (or unsatisfied) at my response, the conversation quickly changes to something else.

Scapegoating has been a ritual dating back for centuries. Most notably in the Older Testament on the Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur) in the Book of Leviticus 18:21-22:

Then Aaron shall lay both his hands on the head of the live goat, and confess over it all the iniquities of the people of Israel, and all their transgressions, all their sins, putting them on the head of the goat, and sending it away into the wilderness by means of someone designated for the task. The goat shall bear on itself all their iniquities to a barren region; and the goat shall be set free in the wilderness.

Although the goat was banished into exile, the goat itself was not considered evil rather the goat was the medium used for atonement. All the negative elements (sins) of the community were placed on the goat and removed from the people who were to be reconciled with God. This reconciliation comes to a fullness in the Newer Testament with the “Lamb of God”, the one who came to take away the sins of the world Jn 1:29. Even though the use of animal (or human) sacrifice to purify communities is not widely used today, the habit of scapegoating continues.
Unfortunately, it continues in intimate relationships and starkly, in the workplace. A practice where an employee is used (sacrificed) to hide the wrongdoing of another (in some cases, a manager/superior).

Non-human entities can also be used in the system of scapegoating, these can apply to objects, animals and even demons. When scapegoating is applied to humans, invariably, the human is dehumanised and objectified (to some degree). An example of this are the witches in mediæval Europe, who were literally demonised, for whatever reason.

According to Carl Jung, a scapegoat is our way to project what is difficult about us or at times secretive and shameful onto another person. Jung uses the term “shadow” and describes it as a part of our personality that remains hidden or the hurt aspects of ourselves “the thing a person has no wish to be,” (Collected Works, Vol. 16).

Rilke reflects that “perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us”. All of us, at some point, need help. For some, asking for anything let alone help can be a daunting thing. So how do we introduce the topic without exposing ourselves to the terrors of asking and needing help. Cue in “This Friend”. “This Friend” is known by all. “This Friend”, gives us an opportunity to introduce the topic of help and allow us to test the waters and see that it is safe to ask for help.

No-one wants to be vulnerable in front of someone, especially not a stranger. So, at some point, we default to “I know this friend”. “This Friend” carries all the weight and troubles that we all find difficult to share out aloud. “This Friend” is our scapegoat, our way of censoring our distress. Distress comes in many forms. It can manifest as an unpleasant behaviour, emotion, feeling or thought. Distress can interfere with the way we interact, the way we feel or think and it can hinder how we make sense of life or even cope with life. In some cases, the experience of distress is described as feeling “sad, angry or even hopeless”.

“This Friend” bares the weight of all that is uncomfortable either about ourselves or about a situation me might finds ourselves in. So how to deal with scapegoating? Identifying the signs early that you are the target of scapegoating or that you are scapegoating can help you stop this practice. Take responsibility/ownership for your actions, behaviours and thoughts. If left unrecognised, scapegoating can hinder your self-confidence and hurt your feelings and that of another.

Learn strategies to deal with scapegoating, which can help you regain your confidence and dignity. If you are wondering why you’re being scapegoated, remind yourself that there may be no reason for the scapegoating other than the other’s own insecurities. This will save you the brain energy to try and figure out why, it is easier to act. Assertively and politely, speak with the culprit. Let them know how you are feeling and ask them to stop the behaviour. Speak with someone else, share your feelings about what is happening and ask for their assistance in speaking with the culprit. A support person can be a significant help in calling out this type of behaviour or even to help you see the behaviour within yourself.

If at work, speak with other management staff or even human resources. Again, explain what has been happening and what steps can be taken to resolve this issue. Seek support and affirmation from family and friends. Consider seeing a counsellor as nothing excuses scapegoating and let’s set free “This Friend” we all have.